Finding Wrong
Posted by Ifteddy
"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering." - Paulo Coelho
Usually, in certain situations, I act on impulse and recall my stupidity afterward. And, as time passes, I realize more and more just what a foolish experience said memory was.
It's different this time.
I won't go into any intricate detailing, but this has been bothering me for over five years. And, frankly, it still is. To be quite honest, I know I will never be able to forget that there is a space at the back of my mind, jam-packed with mistakes - a space I never want to visit, but, eventually, will have to in order to strengthen myself.
Because isn't that what this so-called 'life' is about? Learning to strengthen every aspect of your being?
For once, I think better times may lay ahead. And, very soon, at that.
So, I think it's best for me to disguise those memories as hallucinations - disguise every flare of hope as a misunderstanding, every smile as a blurred line, every tear as a reflection of hollowness - and start all over again.
Maybe, it took so long because I never want to be wrong. I can't stand it. I can't stand rejection, either. I don't lose.
And, in this case, I guess I was. So, I kept trying to force myself into thinking I was right - that I was following the right path. And, every time I tried to diverge from that path, something or another that I doubt I'll ever be able to name simply picks me up, carries me back, and thrusts me down so that I may continue walking in the wrong direction.
So, maybe, a part of my life, one of the nearest and dearest, is finally reassembling itself into the fragile glass it once was.
Maybe, that part is called a heart.
Not the actual, physical heart your body needs to survive. But, that illusion of a wall around your every thought and movement - the one your humanity needs to survive.
Usually, in certain situations, I act on impulse and recall my stupidity afterward. And, as time passes, I realize more and more just what a foolish experience said memory was.
It's different this time.
I won't go into any intricate detailing, but this has been bothering me for over five years. And, frankly, it still is. To be quite honest, I know I will never be able to forget that there is a space at the back of my mind, jam-packed with mistakes - a space I never want to visit, but, eventually, will have to in order to strengthen myself.
Because isn't that what this so-called 'life' is about? Learning to strengthen every aspect of your being?
For once, I think better times may lay ahead. And, very soon, at that.
So, I think it's best for me to disguise those memories as hallucinations - disguise every flare of hope as a misunderstanding, every smile as a blurred line, every tear as a reflection of hollowness - and start all over again.
Maybe, it took so long because I never want to be wrong. I can't stand it. I can't stand rejection, either. I don't lose.
And, in this case, I guess I was. So, I kept trying to force myself into thinking I was right - that I was following the right path. And, every time I tried to diverge from that path, something or another that I doubt I'll ever be able to name simply picks me up, carries me back, and thrusts me down so that I may continue walking in the wrong direction.
So, maybe, a part of my life, one of the nearest and dearest, is finally reassembling itself into the fragile glass it once was.
Maybe, that part is called a heart.
Not the actual, physical heart your body needs to survive. But, that illusion of a wall around your every thought and movement - the one your humanity needs to survive.
0 comments: